Gratitude

So yesterday I decided to put a link to my book from this site.   I had a link before but took it down because of the Amazon KDP Terms and Conditions clause:  "When you choose KDP Select for a book, you're committing to make the digital format of that book available exclusively through KDP. During the period of exclusivity, you cannot distribute your book digitally anywhere else, including on your website, blogs, etc. However, you can continue to distribute your book in physical format, or in any format other than digital."

I was pretty sure that providing a link TO Amazon from my blog could not be considered "distributing" my book somewhere else, but I didn't want any reason to get booted from the program so I took it down.  However, after doing some more reading on the Community boards, I came to the conclusion that distributing meant I couldn't sell the book through Barnes and Noble or some other channels.

I could be wrong on this.

Anyway, I decided I was giving up a way to market the book, and so went back to put up the links.  Where I discovered:

Which meant that the CreateSpace paperback was up there, it just wasn't linked to the Kindle edition.  Which meant that the reviews, tags and likes (as hard earned as they were) weren't helping sell the paperback.  I also wondered why the paperback version was designated as Volume 1, but that's something else I'm going to have to sort out.

I'm tempted to complain about what a huge hassle all this is, but I have to keep everything in perspective.  Three months ago I was an unpublished writer who had spent most of her adult life trying to get a contract, deal---hell, a call back---from anyone in the publishing industry. 

Today, my book is on Amazon (!), it's in the hands of thousands of readers, and now it's in print form.  And yes, it was all free.  Oh, and I have the ability to check sales on an hourly basis.  Which even authors like John Grisham couldn't do ten (five?) years ago.

A little bit of gratitude for the technology and opportunity is in order; I realize that. 

Maybe this will help me focus on how, in a very small way, I was able to manifest my dream of becoming a published writer.  Yes, the sales are small, and I'm floundering in the six digit rankings, but would that have been different if I had been published by a traditional publishing company?  I mean, is every book sold at Barnes and Noble a blockbuster? 

Instead, I bypassed celebrating and sending out a silent "thank you" and good karma to every single person who spent their money on my words and jumped directly into not-good-enough. 

I wonder---is life like this, in general?  I have dreamed for so long of seeing my name in print, yet when it happened, the moment passed as if it were just another item crossed off my to-do list.  When I saw the number of downloads ranking up during the free promo,  when I see actual (paid!) sales, I don't stop and savor what a frikkin miracle that is.  Why?

If someone had told me ten years ago when life was pretty bleak and I was tempted to give up: "keep writing, because in 2012 you are going to be published, and your book is going to briefly hit #1 on an Amazon chart"  I would have been delirious with joy.   Yet today, all I can think about is why the book isn't #1 on a REAL Amazon bestseller list, and all the crap I still have to do.
I think a silent moment to look back and see how far I've come will go a long way in changing my mindset.